


riverdale but it's significantly gayer

by typical_art_dork



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: F/F, Gc Fic, Group chat, M/M, Riverdale group chat, chaotic gay energy, jarchie will rise, text fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-09-30 16:42:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17227631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/typical_art_dork/pseuds/typical_art_dork
Summary: the core four, 2:41 a.m.jugneedsahug: have any of u ever just,,, wanted to go up to a mall santa and ask him for a sprite cranberry for christmas?ohmygodronnie: Why The Hell Are You Awake





	1. Jarchie Rises (Gladys Jones Ghostwrote This)

**Author's Note:**

> instead of studying i created this monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> forewarning: i wrote this is a sleep-deprived stupor.

the core four, 2:41 a.m.

 

jugneedsahug: have any of u ever just,,, wanted to go up to a mall santa and ask him for a sprite cranberry for christmas?

ohmygodronnie: Why The Hell Are You Awake

jugneedsahug: i could ask the same of you 

redpaladin: *x files theme plays*

jugneedsahug: ARCHIE GO TO SLEEP

redpaladin: no

ohmygodronnie: 1) I'm awake because of my World Lit essay on archetypes; I didn't read any of the required material and now I Must Suffer. 2) Why does Juggie suddenly care so much abt Archie's sleeping patterns?? Could this??? Mean Something????

jugneedsahug: it means i dont want to have to wake him up in every class bc he stayed up till TWO IN THE MORNING

redpaladin: you're up too though???

jugneedsahug: im Used to it,,, youre a Weakling

nancydrewbutgayer: whoa whoa whOA

nanydrewbutgayer: what did i just wake up to??

ohmygodronnie: Jughead's gay jumped out,,,

jugneedsahug: hhnNnggh

nancydrewbutgayer: predictable

jugneedsahug: hhHhHHHNGGG

redpaladin: stop youre hurting him

ohmygodronnie: What's wrong, Jughead?

jugneedsahug: ARCH AND I ARE JUST FRIENDS OKAY

ohmygodronnie: "arch"

nancydrewbutgayer: """friends"""

nancydrewbutgayer: ALSO

nancydrewbutgayer: can we talk about the sprite cranberry thing??

ohmygodronnie: Yes please

jugneedsahug: I WAS IN A BAD PLACE WHEN I SENT THAT TEXT

redpaladin: that was like three minutes ago,,,, 

nancydrewbutgayer: juggie are u ok 

jugneedsahug: Ive Never Been Ok

nancydrewbutgayer: ,,,,,,,

nancydrewbutgayer: mood

redpaladin: ALL OF YOU JUST GO TO SLEEP

jugneedsahug: bitch i cant

ohmygodronnie: It just be like that sometimes ;(( 

nancydrewbutgayer: guys guYS GUYS

jugneedsahug: w h a t

nancydrewbutgayer: HHNSGSHVFGS

ohmygodronnie: Babe are you okay? 

nancydrewbutgayer: HHHHHHHGGJSMGS I JUST WALKED DOWNSTAIRS TO GET A DRINK OF WATER AMD,,,,, HHHSKDNKN

jugneedsahug: ????? 

redpaladin: i just ran downstairs to look in the coopers' downstairs window to see what betty's having a conniption over and,,,,,,, Im,,,,??!?!!?!??!!

ohmygodronnie: W H A T

nancydrewbutgayer: HNDBHSJGK 

redpaladin: MRS COOPER IS PLAYING JUST DANCE ON THEIR TV AND 

jugneedsahug: jesus chris t,,,,

redpaladin: JUST AS I RAN DOWNSTAIRS I SAW HER FALL 

redpaladin: AND BETTY JUST,,,,, 

redpaladin: LOOKED AT HER HELPLESSLY FLOUNDERING ON THE FLOOR FOR LIKE 0.076837 SECONDS AND THEN JUST WALKED BACK UPSTAIRS

ohmygodronnie: b e t t y

nancydrewbutgayer: SHUT UP YOU WEREN'T THERE TO SEE HOW BAD HER DANCING WAS

jugneedsahug: i mean,,,, mrs cooper hates me so ig im okay with this

nancydrewbutgayer: jug is my only loyal friend,,,, the rest of u are Cancelled

ohmygodronnie: I'm literally ur gf

nancydrewbutgayer: Fair Point

nancydrewbutgayer: ronnie is back on my good side,,, Archibald Must Prove Himself

redpaladin: w h a t

jugneedsahug: dont worry arch ur still my #1

ohmygodronnie: God that's gay

nancydrewbutgayer: SOFT JUGHEAD EMERGES

jugneedsahug: BETTY S T O P

nancydrewbutgayer: N O

redpaladin: :') thanks juggie

ohmygodronnie: Betty add Kevin

ohmygodronnie: We need Gay Guy Input

nancydrewbutgayer: YES YES YES

nancydrewbutgayer has added kevinhart to the chat

kevinhart: I Was Summoned?

ohmygodronnie: Why,,, is your user Kevin Hart??

nancydrewbutgayer: its his alter ego

ohmygodronnie: He can't be your alter ego if he's a real person though???

jugneedsahug: dont question it

kevinhart: WHY AM I HERE YOU MONGRELS

jugneedsahug: Caillou is a despicable, spineless 4-year-old boy who cannot do anything. He can't grow hair, not because he has cancer or progeria, but because he sucks, and even his own body recognizes that he does not deserve hair or food or love. He has a baby sister who dominates his life because she is a normal, loving child who does not whine about the slightest fart of the breeze. Caillou's parents love her better because she is a better person. Someday Caillou will realize this and probably whine while falling face-first onto the pavement in front of a Tim Horton's for no reason whatsoever. Maybe he'll die from his injuries. That would be great, especially because Caillou is Canadian and his health care in event of catastrophic injury isn't on my tab. Win-win for American parents everywhere, really. There is indeed no plot whatsoever to any episode of Caillou. The average episode involves Caillou being challenged by something: dogs, loud noises, the wind, stairs, cats, vegetables, sitting up, taking really big breaths. He fails at all of these and cries before being left by the side of the road by his laughing parents. They drive off, ecstatic and free, as the credits roll and the screen fades on a shivering silhouette of Caillou alone in the wilds of rural Quebec.

nancydrewbutgayer has left the chat

redpaladin: SHUT UP ABOUT CALLOIU

ohmygodronnie: "CALLOIU" I'm wheezing,,,

kevinhart: JUGHEAD WHY

jugneedsahug: free ur mind from caillou's shackles and Become Enlightened for only $8.00 per month

kevinhart: why $8.00?? 

redpaladin: it's the cost of a cheeseburger from pop's

ohmygodronnie: BETTY COME BACK

ohmygodronnie has added nancydrewbutgayer to the chat

nancydrewbutgayer: veronica w h y

jugneedsahug: archie,,, why are you so defensive of the antichrist

ohmygodronnie: THE A N T I C H R I S T

ohmygodronnie: JUGHEAD WH A T

redpaladin: CHILDHOOD SENTIMENTALITY

kevinhart: WHY AM I H E R E

ohmygodronnie: Tell Jughead and Archie they're gay for each other.

kevinhart: now THAT is something i can get behind

redpaladin: me and juggie are just friends,,, That's It

nancydrewbutgayer: just let them live ronnie

ohmygodronnie: THEY DESERVE THIS

jugneedsahug: childhood sentimentality is a veil you knowingly use to blind yourself of The Truth,,, your blatant disregard for Genuine Enlightenment makes me shudder in horror

nancydrewbutgayer: me when i walked in on veronica surrounded by gogurt wrappers at three am

kevinhart: im sorry W H A T

ohmygodronnie: B E T T Y 

ohmygodronnie: WE AGREED WE'D NEVER SPEAK OF THAT AGAIN

redpaladin: im laughing so hard veronica are you good

ohmygodronnie: N O

jugneedsahug: Buy Me A Burger And I'll Teach You About How Much Caillou Sucks

redpaladin: JUGHEAD STOP

jugneedsahug: i will if u open ur window

jugneedsahug: it's freezing outside

kevinhart: a hoe never gets cold

jugneedsahug: IM ACE YOU IDIOT

nancydrewbutgayer: i screamed out loud and i can hear my mom running up the stairs to yell at me lol

nancydrewbutgayer: if she takes my phone everyone shut the h e c k up because she reads my texts,,, im deleting the chat so she doesn't see everything

ohmygodronnie: I'm Praying For You Babe

jugneedsahug: godspeed, brave warrior

redpaladin: another fallen soldier :'( #neverforget

nancydrewbutgayer: oh god shes here sHES HEREHHBDSBJKK

kevinhart: ........,,,,,,,, b e t t y ???

nancydrewbutgayer: Why are any of you children awake at three in the morning and WHY is my daughter's username "nancy drew but gayer"? 

jugneedsahug: hi mrs cooper,, loved your article about penelope blossom's secret life as an escort

redpaladin: HNHHJHNSSK 

nancydrewbutgayer: Nice try, Mr. Jones. One of you needs to answer my questions or there will be severe consequences on Betty's end! 

ohmygodronnie: We're awake bc of schoolwork and our rapidly deteriorating mental health & Betty's username is related to the fact that she's Riverdale's #1 unemployed detective with, um,,, high levels of happiness

ohmygodronnie: Betty's,,, very cheerful. Happy. Yep. 

nancydrewbutgayer has muted the chat

ohmygodronnie: HHHNNGGGGGSGSFSG

kevinhart: WOW VERONICA THAT WAS SO CONVINCING

jugneedsahug: ,,,, poor betty :(

redpaladin: shes such a blessing i hope shes okay!! 

ohmygodronnie: Hang on I'm calling her

kevinhart: N O

jugneedsahug: ARCHIBALD ANDREWS OPEN YOUR WINDOW BEFORE I DIE OF HYPOTHERMIA 

redpaladin: O H R I G H T

kevinhart: jughead why are you at archie's at 3 a.m.

jugneedsahug: i missed him ngl

kevinhart: THATS,,,,, INCREDIBLY GAY

redpaladin: no its not?? we're just playing video games???

kevinhart: YOURE IN LOVE MORONS

redpaladins: i thought that said mormons for a minute and i was like bitch im methodist

ohmygodronnie: GAY UPDATE: BETTY IS OKAY IT WAS A PRANK

nancydrewbutgayer has unmuted the chat

jugneedsahug: OH MY GO D BETTY

nancydrewbutgayer: ;D

redpaladin: Shes Growing Up,,,, Im So Proud :')

kevinhart: i was legitimately scared that was Not Funny betty cooper!!!!!!! 

nancydrewbutgayer: sorry pals

jugneedsahug: dont be ur an icon

ohmygodronnie: Now can we talk about the Sprite Cranberry thing??? 

jugneedsahug: not unless you stop typing like cheryl,, the perfect punctuation and capitalization,,,, Is Killing Me

redpaladin: i'm gonna have to agree w jug on this one,, correct grammar is a Cursed Concept

redpaladin: not even betty stoops to that level 

kevinhart: its just a part of her superiority complex,,, calm down

ohmygodronnie: HHNNSGSHG I'M SORRY I DON'T TYPE LIKE A THREE YEAR OLD

nancydrewbutgayer: i'm not getting in the middle of this argument,,,

ohmygodronnie: & AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE A GOD COMPLEX LIKE JUGHEAD

redpaladin: im sorry WHAT

jugneedsahug: Its Not A Complex

jugneedsahug: I Am God

kevinhart has left the chat

ohmygodronnie: I'm done

jugneedsahug: before you leave i thought youd love to hear that arch and i are playing mario kart on mute and archie's making all the sound effects by himself

jugneedsahug: isheokay.mov

ohmygodronnie: JESUS CHRIST

ohmygodronnie: IT ANGERS ME SO MUCH THAT IT SOUNDS LIKE THE ACTUAL GAME??!

nancydrewbutgayer: o h,,,, my god

redpaladin: i just lost but it was worth it

jugneedsahug: we need to actually sleep now or we're gonna feel dead tomorrow

ohmygodronnie: Fun Idea: Let's all get together at my apartment tomorrow and do Absolutely Nothing instead of going to school

jugneedsahug: god yes

nancydrewbutgayer: my wife is a Genius

redpaladin: jughead im leaving you for veronica

nancydrewbutgayer: N O

ohmygodronnie: HHHHNGFSGS 

jugneedsahug: you couldnt see it but i just threw my beanie at him

nancydrewbutgayer: i love that archie implied he and jug were dating and jughead said Nothing in defense of the claim for once in his miserable existence

ohmygodronnie: B E T T Y,,,

jugneedsahug: all of you can go rot

redpaladin: >:o

jugneedsahug: except archie

nancydrewbutgayer: thatslovebitch.gif

jugneedsahug has muted the chat

ohmygodronnie: He's in denial,,,

redpaladin: i mcfreaking Hope so

nancydrewbutgayer: WHOA

ohmygodronnie: "mcfreaking"

jugneedsahug: just because i muted the chat doesnt mean im not still reading the messages

redpaladin: HHNSBDGDHHGJG

ohmygodronnie: OH HI JUGHEAD

jugneedsahug: it's FINE archie oh my god

redpaladin: IM GONNA JUMP OUT MY WINDOW NOW

jugneedsahug: UM NO???? 

ohmygodronnie: A R C H I E

jugneedsahug: it's okay i locked him in his closet

nancydrewbutgayer: J U G H E A D

jugneedsahug: IT'S FINE BETTY

ohmygodronnie: The irony here is just Painful

jugneedsahug: shut up veronica

redpaladin: jughead let me out or i'll never buy you a burger again

jugneedsahug: thats bullshit and you Know it

redpaladin: G O D

jugneedsahug: fine FINE im letting you out,,,

ohmygodronnie: Kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss

redpaladin has muted the chat

nancydrewbutgayer: ,,,,,archie?

jugneedsahug: hes more than ok dont worry about it

jugneedsahug has muted the chat

nancydrewbutgayer: oh my go d theyre making out

nancydrewbutgayer: ARCHIE LEFT HIS CURTAINS OPEN THEYRE MAKING OUT THE YRE MAKIGN OUT

ohmygodronnie: Y E S I KNEW IT

nancydrewbutgayer: "justfriends".mov

ohmygodronnie has added kevinhart to the chat

kevinhart: OH MY GOD

nancydrewbutgayer: i feel like im witnessing a historic event,,, 

nancydrewbutgayer: JHHHHDJDBK JUGHEAD JUST PUSHED ARCHIE AGAINST HIS BOOKSHELF AND EVERYTHING FELL AND NOW THEYRE FRANTICALLY TRYING TO CLEAN IT UP,,,

nancydrewbutgayer: HHNNGSDKSHKJ MR ANDREWS JUST WALKED IN??!?!!!

ohmygodronnie: OH MY G O D

kevinhart: IM WHEEZING

nancydrewbutgayer: HES HUGGING THEM HES HUGGING THEM

nancydrewbutgayer: FRED ANDREWS WINS DAD OF THE YEAR AWARD 

ohmygodronnie: This Is So Pure

redpaladin has unmuted the chat

redpaladin: betty w h y

jugneedsahug has unmuted the chat: betty,,,, this behavior is vastly disappointing. i wouldve expected this from veronica,, but,,,,, 

ohmygodronnie: Accurate

nancydrewbutgayer: IM SORRYYY <3 

kevinhart has changed the chat name to "the scooby gang"

kevinhart: as long as im here the core four doesnt make sense

redpaladin: oh true

kevinhart: also,,, i feel like u all owe me a visit to veronica's gucci apartment tmrw for keeping me up till four in the morning

jugneedsahug: "veronica's gucci apartment"

nancydrewbutgayer: yes kev u deserve it!!!

redpaladin: p u r e

ohmygodronnie: Of course my GBF is invited!! 

ohmygodronnie: But in all seriousness, we probably need to go to sleep now.

jugneedsahug: no

jugneedsahug: Kevin Must Be Enlightened

redpaladin: juggie,, jug,,, the loml

redpaladin: From The Bottom Of My Heart,,,,

redpaladin: Shut The Hell Up

jugneedsahug: HHHNGGSHSHSHJ

nancydrewbutgayer: G A Y

kevinhart: yes, betty. gay. 

ohmygodronnie: GO TO SLEEP YOU ABSOLUTE NEANDERTHALS

jugneedsahug: my favorite thing ever is when veronica tries to use big words to make herself sound like An Intellectual™️ but just ends up using them in the wrong context and making herself sound like a try-hard

nancydrewbutgayer: HHHHNNG HELLO 911 YES MY GIRLFRIEND JUST GOT FREAKING MURDERED

redpaladin: jesus christ,,, jughead go to sleep

jugneedsahug: no

redpaladin: we can cuddle

jugneedsahug: GOODNIGHT EVERYONE 

ohmygodronnie: I'm suing Jughead for calling me out

ohmygodronnie: Goodnight losers

kevinhart: gays don't sleep

kevinhart: ur all Fake

nancydrewbutgayer: shut up kevin the last time we had a sleepover you passed out at eleven thirty after drinking one (1) cup of tea and doing disney karaoke with polly

kevinhart has left the chat

jugneedsahug: Top 10 Saddest Anime Deaths

redpaladin has changed the chat name to "the core four" 

nancydrewbutgayer: HHHNGSHSGHJKJ

jugneedsahug: a r c h i e


	2. Jughead Has Poor Management Skills

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one where cheryl makes an entrance

the core four, 5:03 a.m.

 

jugneedsahug: do you guys ever wonder what the world would be like if they just...,,,, Stopped Making Socks?

nancydrewbutgayer: jughead. 

jugneedsahug: ,,,yes?

nancydrewbutgayer: GO TO SLEEP.

jugneedsahug: I C A N T

ohmygodronnie: You're supposed to be at my apartment in an hour, remember? Bitch SLEEP!! 

jugneedsahug: WHAT PART OF "I C A N T" DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND VERONICA

ohmygodronnie: ALL OF IT YOU MONGREL

redpaladin: im so confused

nancydrewbutgayer: archie run while u still can,,, we're abt to witness a Jughead VS. Veronica Battle and this time,,,,,,,, It's Personal

redpaladin: guys don't fight!!!

jugneedsahug: ily but u need to Stay Out Of This

nancydrewbutgayer: SOFT JUGHEAD IS BACK BABY

jugneedsahug: say that again and ill slit your throat and pull ur intestines out of ur mouth

ohmygodronnie: GO TO SLEEP JUGHEAD

jugneedsahug: MY MEDS ARE KEEPING ME UP YOU CRETIN

ohmygodronnie: OH R E A L L Y

redpaladin: ronnie s t o p,,,

ohmygodronnie: What are these supposed """meds""" and Why have we Never Heard of Them Before Now??? Hmm???

jugneedsahug: im depressed susan

nancydrewbutgayer: sksjsksnk "susan"

ohmygodronnie: O h

ohmygodronnie: I'm sorry damn

jugneedsahug: its fine *sad lmao*

redpaladin: well,,, as long as everyone's awake,,,,,

redpaladin: https://youtu.be/C4yGgzGBg_4

ohmygodronnie: Archie. With all due respect,,, what in God's name Is That

redpaladin: art

nancydrewbutgayer: does no one else want to explore the reasoning behind jughead's sock question??? 

ohmygodronnie: YES PLEASE

jugneedsahug: I WAS IN A B A D P L A C E

redpaladin: u cant say that every time u send something questionable to the chat babe

ohmygodronnie: "babe" HI I'M GOING INTO CARDIAC ARREST

redpaladin: u gotta own ur mistakes. i know sending that curious george video was a Bad Decision on my part but bitch im proud of myself for owning it

jugneedsahug: archie?

redpaladin: yes??? :) <3

jugneedsahug: go choke

ohmygodronnie: SKSJSKSNHSJHKH

nancrdrewbutgayer: all of you,,, go to freaking sleep

nancydrewbutgayer has muted the chat

ohmygodronnie: NO DON'T LEAVE ME WITH THEM!!!

redpaladin: me when mrs. roberts leaves jughead in charge of 4th period when she goes to make copies

ohmygodronnie: HKSHSJDHK 

jugneedsahug: THIS IS A BLATANT ATTACK ON MY UNDENIABLE LEADERSHIP SKILLS AND I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT

redpaladin: sorry jug but the last time you were left in charge of the class u literally just stood there panicking as everyone went apeshit,,,, 

ohmygodronnie: reggie- WHO WANTS TO WATCH ME ARM WRESTLE ARCHIE FOR ALL OF THE MONEY IN OUR TRUST FUNDS

jughead, visibly losing it- alright everyone let's just,,, settle down,,,,, JOSIE STOP SINGING THIS ISN'T CONCERT CHOIR dear god i need an aspirin!!! SOMEONE GET ME SOME IBUPROFEN!!!! i dont get paid enough for this,,, 

redpaladin: IM WHEEZING BETTY PLEASE LOOK AT THIS

jugneedsahug: I Cannot Believe,,,, My Own Husband,,,,,,,, Would Do This To Me

ohmygodronnie: "Husband" 

redpaladin: (its a gay joke u wouldnt understand)

jugneedsahug: love when my incompetent bf puts things in parentheses for No Apparent Reason

ohmygodronnie: 911 HELLO YES I'VE JUST EXPERIENCED A BIPHOBIC HATE CRIME

redpaladin: (shut the hell up jughead)

nancydrewbutgayer: i know i yelled @ everyone to go to sleep,,, but,,,,, the thing abt jughead not knowing how to manage other people??? accurate

jugneedsahug: STOP THE DISRESPECT

ohmygodronnie: I will if you fix your godawful diet.

redpaladin has added cherrybaby to the chat

cherrybaby: Shut up I'm gay

jugneedsahug: ARCHIE WHY

redpaladin: i missed her chaotic gay influence

jugneedsahug: Of Course cheryl would have some dumbass ~*~aesthetic~*~ uwu username dear god i want to stab my eyes out

nancydrewbutgayer: says jughead "im a weirdo i dont fit in" jones

ohmygodronnie: I'M SCREECHING JUGHEAD SHE ENDED YOU

redpaladin: CAN WE NOT TALK ABOUT THAT PLEASE

jugneedsahug: ^^^^^!!!!!!!!

ohmygodronnie: NO LET'S TALK ABOUT IT

cherrybaby: Is there a reason I'm here?? 

redpaladin: Be The Mom Friend

redpaladin: Betty Is Stepping Down From The Role 

nancydrewbutgayer: no im not

cherrybaby: And why would I do that? 

redpaladin: Will Bake You A Pie

nancydrewbutgayer: ARCHIE NO IM NOT

cherrybaby: Fine. The Deal Is Done. But the pie has to be cherry.

jugneedsahug: archie w h y

nancydrewbutgayer: "have you ever seen me without this stupid h a t o n??   
T H A T S W E I R D"

jugneedsahug: HHSHNSNSHK

redpaladin: ^can confirm jughead just made That Exact Sound beside me and it Scared Me To Death

jugneedsahug: he almost fell off the bed 

cherrybaby has renamed the chat "disaster gays"

nancydrewbutgayer: accurate

redpaladin: CAN CHERYL COME TO VERONICA'S HHSMSHDKNK

cherrybaby: Ew no

nancydrewbutgayer: I'M--

jugneedsahug: Cheryl Needs To Experience Enlightenment First

redpaladin: JUGHEAD N O

jugneedsahug: Buy Me A Burger From Pop's And I'll Teach You About All Of Caillou's Flaws

ohmygodronnie: Why He Type Like This

cherrybaby: Gay emphasis. 

cherrybaby: And no, I will certainly not waste my money on a mediocre burger from Pop's. 

redpaladin has removed cherrybaby from  
the chat

redpaladin has changed the chat name to "the core four"

redpaladin: she's cancelled everyone

ohmygodronnie: Thank God

jugneedsahug: I LOVE MY BF HHHNNSGKSHKJ

redpaladin: AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

nancydrewbutgayer: me when veronica knocks on my freaking window at 5:32 in the morning

redpaladin: thats oddly specific betty are u ok 

nancydrewbutgayer: ronnie.jpg

redpaladin: OH SHE'S THERE RN

jugneedsahug: yes, archie. 

ohmygodronnie: I could hear his sarcasm through the screen dear God,,,

nancydrewbutgayer: should ronnie & i binge-watch parks & rec or b99?

jugneedsahug: the office is superior to both of those in Every Possible Way

redpaladin: ^^^ sorry guys but he's Correct

ohmygodronnie: ,,,,,They're Right

nancydrewbutgayer: B99 IS AMAZING SHUT THE FRICK UP

ohmygodronnie: "Frick",,, Betts are you a 2015 tumblr kid now?

redpaladin: she always was

ohmygodronnie: HNNHSKSNKHSJKJ

nancydrewbutgayer: THIS IS SLANDER TO MY GOOD NAME

jugneedsahug: "good name"

ohmygodronnie: W h o a

jugneedsahug: KIDDING BETTY ILYYYY

nancydrewbutgayer: soft jughead Soft Jughead SOFT JUGHEAD SOFT JUGHEAD SOFT JUGHEAD

redpaladin: screenshotted

jugneedsahug: N O !!!!!!

jugneedsahug: IM NOT SOFT

redpaladin: *gladys jones voice* s u r e !!

jugneedsahug: A R C H I E

ohmygodronnie: Betty & I are stealing her mom's car to vroom vroom over to the Pembrooke. Get ur asses over here. 

redpaladin: *sighs in gay* F I N E

jugneedsahug: only if u have coffee ready when we get there

ohmygodronnie: Make your own coffee thot

jugneedsahug: THAT INSULT IS NON-APPLICABLE TO ME YOU GENERIC COMMONER,,,,, IM A C E

redpaladin: ily but you text Too Loud

jugneedsahug: idiot <3

nancydrewbutgayer: sometimes i question the validity of jarchie's relationship and then i see these interactions and i know theyre Perfect For Each Other

ohmygodronnie: Awww!!

ohmygodronnie: Now GET OVER HERE.

jugneedsahug: and archie says i text loud smh...,,,

nancydrewbutgayer: EVERYONE TEXT IN ALL CAPS FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE DAY TO ANNOY ARCHIE

redpaladin: betty no

jugneedsahug: BETTY YES


	3. The Gays Take A Day Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> take a shot every time jughead calls himself god

the core four, 6:34 a.m.

 

redpaladin: jug and i are in the lobby of the pembrooke and there are So Many Rich People,,, 

redpaladin: they all have airpods for the love of god Please buzz us in,,,,

jugneedsahug: this is activating my fight or flight response

nancydrewbutgayer: everything activates ur fight or flight response juggie

ohmygodronnie: You Have Been Buzzed 

redpaladin: god bless

jugneedsahug: thanks archie <3

redpaladin: WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS YOU'RE NOT GOD

ohmygodronnie: I don't Want to buzz them in now,,,

nancydrewbutgayer: mood

jugneedsahug: IS THERE COFFEE DO YOU HAVE COFFEE

ohmygodronnie: That depends. Will you watch The Breakfast Club with us??

redpaladin: I LOVE THAT MOVIE

jugneedsahug: archie we're getting a divorce

redpaladin: I MEAN NOOO I HATE THAT MOVIE

jugneedsahug: there we go. 

nancydrewbutgayer: toxic relationship red flag #1: one person has a need to control the other person's actions

ohmygodronnie: HHGSKSBSK BETTY

jugneedsahug: I Was Joking You Moldy Sock

ohmygodronnie: "Moldy Sock" 

redpaladin: WE'RE HERE WE'RE QUEER AND WE INSIST ON WATCHING HARRY POTTER

ohmygodronnie: No. 

nancydrewbutgayer: the coffee is almost done guys <333 

jugneedsahug: betty i love u so much

redpaladin: hey!!!!!! 

jugneedsahug: you're alright i guess

ohmygodronnie: Everyone Get Off Your Damn Phones So We Can Spend Quality Time Together

nancydrewbutgayer: HOLY SHIT I THOUGHT SOMEONE ADDED MY MOM TO THE CHAT,,,,,, HHNNGG

redpaladin: veronica oh my g o d 

ohmygodronnie: OH NO I'M SORRY BETTY 

nancydrewbutgayer: it's fine,,, but i spilled coffee on the floor and jughead just slipped in it lmao 

nancydrewbutgayer: hesmad.mov

ohmygodronnie: I Love Him

redpaladin: bring the coffee in the living room,,, ronnie & i have Made A Compromise 

jugneedsahug: What The Fuck Why Wasn't I Included

ohmygodronnie: It's fine,,, we're watching The Office 

redpaladin: it was an issue of circumstance juggie ;( 

jugneedsahug: SHUT UP ABOUT THE COFFEE INCIDENT OR ILL CUT YOUR BEAUTIFUL FACE OFF

nancydrewbutgayer: ah, yes, young love

ohmygodronnie: Everyone tag yourselves as The Office characters, I'm Jim

nancydrewbutgayer: the office will never rival b99,,, but,,,, pam ngl

redpaladin: michael i lov him

jugneedsahug: no one fits my archetype as brooding loner so,,, hmmm

ohmygodronnie: S T A N L E Y

nancydrewbutgayer: THAT'S A CURSED CONCEPT

ohmygodronnie: BUT IS IT ACCURATE? YES

redpaladin: Shut The Hell Up Veronica

nancydrewbutgayer: bye everyone im off to write some michael/stanley fanfic <3

ohmygodronnie: B E T T Y N O !!!!!!!

jugneedsahug: im gonna kill myslef

redpaladin: UMM NO THANK YOU

ohmygodronnie: "Myslef" hhnnggg

jugneedsahug: alright that's it we're watching something else

nancydrewbutgayer: ORRRR,,,,,,,

nancydrewbutgayer: we could go to pop's

jugneedsahug: This Girl Gets It

jugneedsahug: TAKE ME TO POP'S AND I'LL YELL ABOUT THE ANTICHRIST (c*illou)

ohmygodronnie: Love how you felt the need to censor his name,,, 

ohmygodronnie: Pop's sounds good 2 me

redpaladin: let's duct-tape juggie's mouth shut first though

jugneedsahug: YOU CAN SILENCE ME PHYSICALLY BUT NEVER MENTALLY

nancydrewbutgayer: was that....,,, a Threat? 

ohmygodronnie: I think so and it Terrifies Me ngl

redpaladin: let's go everyone

jugneedsahug: CAILLOU IS A BITCH

nancydrewbutgayer has muted the chat

ohmygodronnie: BETTY NOOOO!!!!

redpaladin: me when betty asks mr. smith if we have hw a minute before the bell

jugneedsahug: HHHNNSGSGGSJKJ SAME

jugneedsahug: VERONICA'S RICH ASS CAR ACTIVATES MY FIGHT OR FLIGHT RESPONSE

nancydrewbutgayer: ur not equipped for the lifestyle

ohmygodronnie: True

redpaladin: im not equipped for jughead rolling down the window and yelling abt caillou at passerby Dear God someone stop him,,,

nancydrewbutgayer: JUGHEAD STOP OR I WONT PAY FOR YOUR BURGER

jugneedsahug: archie will

ohmygodronnie: Shit he's right,,, Archie Don't,,,,, Be Strong!!!

redpaladin: IM SORRY ITS TRUE

nancydrewbutgayer: dammit archie! 

jugneedsahug: THE HOLY WORD OF GOD (me) SHALL PERSIST

ohmygodronnie: Jughead if you were God why would you live among peasants and miscreants?

jugneedsahug: ask me that walking backwards into hell and then maybe i'll consider your words valuable 

jugneedsahug: the hideous antichrist must be stopped

nancydrewbutgayer: we're here

jugneedsahug: GOD BLESS 

redpaladin: i love him but he scares me

ohmygodronnie: Wait

ohmygodronnie: Pop will know we're supposed to be in school hhnnsgsg

jugneedsahug: don't worry i've got this

redpaladin: jughead w h a t the fuck are you doing

nancydrewbutgayer: JUGHEAD NO

ohmygodronnie: I Cannot Believe,,, 

nancydrewbutgayer has added kevinhart to the chat

kevinhart: WHY WASNT I INVITED

redpaladin: BE GLAD YOU WEREN'T,,, JUGHEAD JUST WENT UP TO POP TATE AND WAS LIKE, "WE'RE OUT OF SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE I'M GOD AND IF YOU TELL ANY OF OUR PARENTS I'LL SMITE YOU AND THEN KILL MYSELF, CREATING A PARADOX THAT WILL SPLIT THE WORLD IN HALF" HHHNGSGS 

ohmygodronnie: Well...,,,, at least Pop didn't kick us out [shrug emoticon I'm too lazy too look up]

redpaladin: just use the shrug emoji??? copying and pasting emoticons is for 2015 emo kawaii uwu kids,,,

jugneedsahug: Buy Me A Burger And I'll Shut Up About Ca*llou

redpaladin: DONE!!

nancydrewbutgayer: jughead is chaotic evil and archie is chaotic good change my mind

ohmygodronnie: Jug is Chaotic Good and Archie is True Neutral

redpaladin: ronnie is right ngl

jugneedsahug: this convo is giving me flashbacks to g&g lmaooo

redpaladin: throwback 2 when i literally fell from the heavens into ur weird cult bunker lol i thought i was hallucinating

nancydrewbutgayer: now let's bury our ptsd by gorging ourselves on food!!! 

jugneedsahug: She Is Learning

redpaladin: no you corrupted her

jugneedsahug: YOU DARE DEFY MY WORD

redpaladin: shut up or ill never hug you again

ohmygodronnie: Young Love Prevails


	4. Veronica Finally Snaps (ft. Jarchie)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i just want the writers of r*verdale to give me jarchie and beronica and a Beautiful Friendship between ronnie and jug and honestly i don't think that's Too Much To Ask,,,, (sighs deeply) anyway enjoy!!

the core four (and kevin), 1:45 a.m.

 

jugneedsahug: hey what's going on everypony

kevinhart: reading that Literally chilled me to the bone,,,,

jugneedsahug: archie texted me "let's get this bread" with absolutely no previous context yesterday and i felt the exact same way

ohmygodronnie: 1) Why are you AWAKE 2) Archie that's so outdated dear God,,,,

nancydrewbutgayer: the average lifespan of a meme now is literally a week it is Not His Fault!!!!!!!

nancydrewbutgayer: but still ew

redpaladin: JUGHEAD DON'T EXPOSE ME LIKE THIS

redpaladin: i Can Not Believe my bf would do this to me,,,,

jugneedsahug: get used to it, archiekins. also,,,, veronica i thought we'd established that i'm a night owl i don't understand why this is surprising to you??

ohmygodronnie: Being a "night owl" and being unhealthy as fuck are two Very Different Concepts, pal.

redpaladin: "pal" SHE'S STEALING YOUR LINGO

kevinhart: DID YOU NOT JUST NOTICE "archiekins" IM WHEEZING,,,,,

nancydrewbutgayer: can we just have One Night where jug and ronnie don't argue i stg,,,,

jugneedsahug: WELL IM SORRY IM SAD??? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME

ohmygodronnie: I WANT YOU TO ACKNOWLEDGE MY FUCKING EXISTENCE FOR ONCE IN YOUR MISERABLE LIFE YOU ONLY TALK TO ARCHIE AND BETTY AND I GET THAT WE'RE NOT AS CLOSE BUT IT MAKES ME M A D AND I WANT YOU TO BE ABLE TO SLEEP AT NIGHT LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING BECAUSE I C A R E ABOUT YOU, DUMBASS

nancydrewbutgayer: w h o a

kevinhart: veronica bby are you good

jugneedsahug: uhhh 

redpaladin: IM CRYIGN VERONCIA ILYSM YOURE SO FREAKIVF PUR E

nancydrewbutgayer: is archie okay lol

jugneedsahug: i don't know what to say because i become magnificently inarticulate when people express genuine emotion so hhhnsnsg

jugneedsahug: thank you. i'm sorry i'm not as close with you as i am with arch and betty... i guess you kind of intimidate me & Being God, that's not something i'd generally admit, but. um,,, yeah. i care about you too, v. 

ohmygodronnie: Sorry for yelling...,,, I'm a dramatic bitch lol

jugneedsahug: you're literally not,, i'm the same way when i bottle things up. it's okay, don't worry abt it :^)

kevinhart: THIS IS THE SOFTEST THING IVE EVER SEEN???!?!?!!! 

redpaladin: jughead why the FUCK does your smiley face have That Nose

jugneedsahug: Don't Question God's Methods

kevinhart: jughead is scary

jugneedsahug: thank you!!

nancydrewbutgayer: a n y w a y,,, im so here for a jeronica friendship GOD yes

ohmygodronnie: But Is Jughead???

jugneedsahug: yes

jugneedsahug: as long as you dont consistently question my omniscience and rulership as God Himself over the town of r*verdale

ohmygodronnie: AAA OKAY

redpaladin: Power Duo!!!

nancydrewbutgayer: PURE AND WHOLESOME

redpaladin: now that That's Settled,,,, CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABT "WHAT'S GOING ON EVERYPONY" I AM LITERALLY STILL SHAKING 

nancydrewbutgayer: yeah jughead what the hell was That

jugneedsahug: I DONT KNOW OKAY

kevinhart: I Am Still Recovering. That Wasn't Okay At All And You Must Pay.

jugneedsahug: I AM S O R R Y !!!!!!! WHAT ELSE DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME

nancydrewbutgayer: less pretentious writing

nancydrewbutgayer: ive read ur novel jug and it,,,, Is Bad

ohmygodronnie: Stop The Disrespect

jugneedsahug: SHUT UP BETTY I WRITE HOW I WANT YOU TEMPTRESS WITCH

redpaladin: you include a pop culture reference like every 3 lines babe

jugneedsahug: OH IM SORRY ARCHIE I CANT HEAR YOU OVER YOUR EMO SONG DEMOS THAT I DOWNLOADED FROM YOUR FLASHDRIVE

jugneedsahug: archiesemosongs.mp3

ohmygodronnie: Holy crap 

kevinhart: JUGHEAD THAT'S W R O N G

redpaladin: NO THOSE ARE FROM LAST SUMMER OH G O D

redpaladin: JUGGIE WHY

jugneedsahug: sorry pal 

redpaladin: Do You Even Love Me??!?!?!!! !

jugneedsahug: Y E S ???????? IM SORRY OH NO

redpaladin: hahah kidding

redpaladin: im actually Not Insecure abt my music bc it's part of my Evolution into the Artist I Am Now

redpaladin: just freaked out to make u feel validated in ur blatant insecurity

nancydrewbutgayer: OH MY GOD ARCHIE

jugneedsahug: ow my fragile heart,,,,, I Am So Hurt

jugneedsahug: anyway

jugneedsahug: you guys can sleep now im sorry for waking you up :/ 

ohmygodronnie: Oh Thank God

ohmygodronnie has muted the chat

kevinhart: gn jughead!! if you Ever send a message like the everyp*ny one again I Will Slaughter You

kevinhart has muted the chat

nancydrewbutgayer: goodnight guys!!! ily!!!!! <3

nancydrewbutgayer has muted the chat

redpaladin: you traumatized kevin 

jugneedshug: okay archie you can go now lmao 

redpaladin: what no ily

redpaladin: are you okay??

jugneedsahug: That's A Loaded Question Buddy

redpaladin: jug

jugneedsahug: i don't know

jugneedsahug: i feel numb

redpaladin: want me to come over?? or you can come over here??? <3

jugneedsahug: no, it's okay. it'll be fine. 

redpaladin: j u g g i e 

jugneedsahug: stop w the affectionate nickname its making me sa d

jugneedsahug: i miss you

redpaladin: THEN COME OVER HHHNSGSG

jugneedsahug: i can't.

redpaladin: w h y n o t

jugneedsahug: i can't move

redpaladin: WHAT

jugneedsahug: c h i l l i just feel all panicky and weird and it's probably just my body shutting down temporarily from anxiety or smth it's not new 

jugneedsahug: just go to sleep pal it's really late (or early??) 

redpaladin: nope

redpaladin: i'm yeeting over to your trailer 

jugneedsahug: archie you don't have to do this,,,, heck

redpaladin: hey,, yeah i do. i love you & it's my job to be there for you. you'd do the same for me. i'll be there in 5

jugneedsahug: i love you. thank you. 

redpaladin: ilyt <333

kevinhart has unmuted the chat

kevinhart: THIS IS SOFT AND GAY

redpaladin: KEVIN G E T O U T

jugneedsahug: hey if you get here and i've blacked out don't freak, okay? 

redpaladin: W H A T

jugneedsahug: i'm really woozy for some reason

jugneedsahug: i might've stopped taking my meds earlier this week

redpaladin: JUGHEAD WHAT

kevinhart: oh shit want me to get my dad

jugneedsahug: nonono

jugneedsahug: this has happened before it's called discontinuation syndrome or whatever it's okay

jugneedsahug: just feel dizzy and sick

redpaladin: i'm here <333

jugneedsahug: im on the couch, door's unlocked <3

redpaladin has muted the chat

jugneedsahug has muted the chat

kevinhart: dammit i want a bf

kevinhart has muted the chat


	5. Donate To Your Token Lesbians (A Worthy Cause)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what is this becoming

the core four (and kevin), 8:04 a.m.

 

ohmygodronnie: Can someone Please tell me why Cheryl and Toni have their own psychiatrist booth set up in the hallway?

kevinhart: I SAW IT TOO HHNSBSJ WHY HASN'T A TEACHER SAID SOMETHING 

nancydrewbutgayer: "Give Us Money And We'll Give You Gay Advice" i'm so confused??? do they mean Gay Advice as in advice only for the gays or are they referring to how the advice they're giving is coming from Them, two gays???? 

redpaladin: im gonna go put a quarter in the jar and ask them about their cause

ohmygodronnie: ARCHIE BE CAREFUL!!! 

jugneedsahug: wtah the fuck is goign on

nancydrewbutgayer: my competency level is jughead in the mornings ngl

jugneedsahug: Shut Tje Hell Up !!!!! bicth hinestly i difnt get Any Slepe last night

ohmygodronnie: "Slepe" I'm having a conniption oh my God,,,,

redpaladin: me- so what is this for?? charity???  
cheryl and toni, at the same time- no, us :)

redpaladin: also jughead ily but you're completely incomprehensible in the morning Dear God

jugneedsahug: yes this is he

ohmygodronnie: Why does Jughead regain 100% of his understandability when he makes a quip about being God?

jugneedsahug: Consider This: Because I Am God

nancydrewbutgayer: aaaaa i have to go to chem now but i just put a $5 bill in cheryl & toni's jar and they promised me their firstborn child,,, i dont know how to feel about this 

kevinhart: Oh My God Someone Add Them!!!!

ohmygodronnie has added cherrybaby to the chat

ohmygodronnie has added tonithetiger to the chat

ohmygodronnie: Toni, with all due respect, what the genuine actual fresh hell is your username,,,

redpaladin: shut up ronnie u know it's grrrrrrrRRRREAT!!!

jugneedsahug: goodbte eveyone im off to brutally kill my bf arcgie adtrews 

cherrybaby: Take us out of this hellhole unless you're willing to donate to our cause smh

tonithetiger: WE NEED THE MONEY FOR A SIDECAR FOR MY MOTORCYCLE SO THE DOG (his name is j.j. and he's adorable) WE BOUGHT CAN RIDE WITH US TO CALIFORNIA OVER THE SUMMER

kevinhart: OH MY GODDDD 

redpaladin: kevin did you just put a hundred dollars in their jar hhnsnsghs

kevinhart: they still gave me advice AND

kevinhart: IT'S FOR A G O O D CAUSE

ohmygodronnie: That's,,, the purest thing I've ever read now I HAVE to donate!!!

cherrybaby: Y E S

jugneedsahug: hello everyone Now That I've Stolen And Downed All Of Ronnie's Coffee i am comprehensible 

tonithetiger: fantastic now you can give us all your money!!!!!!!!

cherrybaby: It's For A Good Cause

jugneedsahug: f i n e but only because you're gay icons

redpaladin: juggie get urself to mr. chase's class before he banishes you forever for being late again!!!!

jugneedsahug: no

redpaladin: J U G H E A D

nancydrewbutgayer: my phone is buzzing uncontrollably SHUT UP so i don't get in trouble,,,, 

ohmygodronnie: If any of you mongrels get the Love Of My Life in trouble I Will Sue All Of You!!! 

nancydrewbutgayer: SOMEONE TELL ME WHY I JUST SAW JUGHEAD R U N N I N G DOWN THE HALLWAY IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION OF HIS CLASS HJNSBSHS

redpaladin: MR CHASE JUST RAN OUT OF THE ROOM AFTER HIM,,, WHAT DO I DO HHNNNGGG

ohmygodronnie: Run, Archie, run!!! Go get ur man he's in troubleee

redpaladin: hate that this is my life

tonithetiger: phat mood

redpaladin: oh hi toni!! :) 

redpaladin: anyway if i Dont Make It Back Alive tell reggie i support him

ohmygodronnie: W h a t

redpaladin: for when he comes out as gay at our high school reunion 

cherrybaby: ARCHIE TONI JUST SNORTED WATER OUT OF HER NOSE IN BIO I'M!!!!!!

cherrybaby: Also, good luck with that

redpaladin: t h a n k okay im leavin class now hahah im gonna get expelled lol

nancydrewbutgayer: jughead what the HECK

jugneedsahug: sometimes u just gotta Run Down A Hallway to assert ur dominance as hhhnsnsgshsg

redpaladin: jug and i are using voice-to-text on our phones and it's proving to be really effective FUCK YOU ARCHIE jughead shut up what are you doing I'M SHOWING MR. CHASE THAT HE'S POWERLESS jughead stop jesus christ I AM GOD

ohmygodronnie: I Hate This So Much

jugneedsahug: SHIT IVE BEEN CORNERED

nancydrewbutgayer: someone save them hhdnshgdshs

ohmygodronnie: I went in the hall to "go to the bathroom" and,,, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen

ohmygodronnie: Jughead is backed up fully against the far wall of the east wing & Mr. Roberts is in front of him just freaking g l a r i n g at him while Archie stands a few feet away shaking his head like a disappointed bf

ohmygodronnie: thebestthing.jpg

nancydrewbutgayer: bahahaha 

kevinhart: I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS,,,,,

jugneedsahug: Hello, this is Mr. Chase. Jughead's phone has been confiscated for the rest of the period as a consequence for his inappropriate (and frankly, stupid) actions. 

nancydrewbutgayer: hi mr. chase!!! :)

jugneedsahug: Have a wonderful day, Mrs. Cooper! :) 

nancydrewbutgayer: you too sir!

jugneedsahug has muted the chat

redpaladin: IM WHEEZING BETTY WHAT THE HECK

nancydrewbutgayer: All Teachers Love Me

redpaladin: HHNSGSGSJ JUGHEAD Is GLARING AT ME AND IM???? I TRIED TO STOP HIM

cherrybaby: Hey, lunkheads. STOP MESSAGING US. We're in class. 

kevinhart has removed cherrybaby from the chat

ohmygodronnie: K e v i n !!!

tonithetiger: lmao its what she deserves

redpaladin: I Am God And All Of You Will Pay For Your Crimes When Rapture Shakes The Earth To Its Rotten Fiery Core

tonithetiger: say that to my face you bitch

redpaladin: sorry abt that guys jug took my phone

nancydrewbutgayer: guys s h u t u p i'm in chem rn s i g h

ohmygodronnie: Number 15

nancydrewbutgayer: VERONICA N O

redpaladin: vernonica pls spare us imn fcukign cryging we dnont deserve tjis,,,,, 

ohmygodronnie: BuRgEr KiNg FoOt LeTtUcE

tonithetiger: i hate this town and everyone in it

redpaladin has removed ohmygodronnie from the chat

kevinhart: VERONICAS AN ICON ADD HER BACK U COWARD

redpaladin: i cant talk rn guys jughead & i are passing notes bc he doesnt have his phone 

kevinhart: baby gays omg <3

tonithetiger: i Love how kevin was super pissed at archie but Instantly reverted back to his soft self when archie mentioned jug

kevinhart: STOP EXPOSING ME HHNSBGS

redpaladin: EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

tonithetiger: jesus christ,,, ,,

redpaladin: he wants me to relay this Very Important Message to all of u: 

redpaladin: pulp fiction > kill bill. discuss. 

nancydrewbutgayer has removed redpaladin from the chat


End file.
